Ring Theory of Grief
#196
Friend,
What should you say during a crisis?
It depends on where you fall on the Ring. Let’s say Sam got diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer. Now, you would find yourself on the Ring of Grief.
The basic premise of the Ring Theory1 is that the people on the inside can dump anything they need to the people on the outside. So Sam is free to say anything to anyone because he’s at the center, but Sam’s wife, kids, and parents are there to comfort him. However, Sam’s cousins are there to comfort not only Sam but his immediate family, while they, too, need people who are further removed from Sam and themselves to dump (or freely express) their emotions, too.
It reminds me of a scene in an episode of The West Wing. (If you haven’t seen The West Wing, you absolutely should, but slight spoiler of an episode ahead.) The President’s daughter has been abducted, and the President is talking to his Chief of Staff about his wife’s day, and he says, “She’s been on the phone for hours. People never know what to say. She just ends up consoling them.” Imagine you’ve lost your daughter, and you have to calm other people down? This is, too often, the experience of those in grief.
A few notes about how to comfort.
Show up. Don’t be afraid of being close to a hurting person.
Shut up. Don’t give unsolicited advice or theological answers. They need someone to listen, not to make sense of the senseless.
Stay up. The hardest days are often not days 1, 2, and 3. The hardest days are often days 13, 49, and 104. Everyone else has moved on to life as normal, but they can’t even spell normal yet.
Love,
Aaron
This was conceived and articulated by Susan Silk and Barry Goldman. You can read the original article here: https://www.latimes.com/opinion/story/la-timeless/how-not-to-say-the-wrong-thing