Shame's Long Shadow

#50

Friend,

You messed up.

It was twenty-five years ago (or 45 years ago), but for some reason, it feels like it happened yesterday. The heavy weight of guilt and shame have stormed into your living room, and you can’t shake it, again.

You apologized. You made amends. You did everything you could for the other person, yet you find yourself with a heavy heart today.

Shame has the longest shadow.

Why is it that the hardest person to forgive is the one you see in the mirror? Why can’t you let that teenager or young adult off the hook? Why do you still hold on to it?

Maybe it’s because you’ve never actually forgiven yourself.

Oh, you’ve thought about doing it. Maybe you started doing it, but you know something is missing.

So today I want you to commit to forgiving yourself. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it.

I want to share a framework for forgiving that has been shared by Everett Worthington that might be helpful for you today. He calls it REACH.

• Recall the hurt- you have to remember the pain that you caused not only the other person but also yourself.

• Empathize with yourself- put yourself in the seat of your former self. You don’t have to like your reasons for doing what you did, but you do need to understand yourself.

• Altruistic gift- Give yourself the gift of forgiveness. Understand it is a gift to yourself both who you were, but also to who you are now.

• Commit- This isn’t just an in-your-head commitment. I want you to do 3 things. 1. Look at yourself in the mirror and say, “I forgive you for _____. In the name of Jesus Christ, you are forgiven.” 2. Tell one other person that you are forgiving yourself. 3. Write this down, “On this date, I have forgiven myself for hurting them and hurting myself.”

• Hold on to forgiveness- Shame will return, so when those voices say you are enough, get your note, look in the mirror, and remember who you are: Forgiven.

In the name of Jesus Christ, you are forgiven.

Love,

Aaron

P.S. If you need me to be your friend whom you are telling that you are forgiving yourself, then let me know here.