The Details of Death

#134

Friend,

I’ve seen it dozens of times. Your loved one has just died, grief is here, and now the cascade of decisions begins:

• “What do I do now?

• Do I call my sister or the funeral home?

• Which funeral home do I contact?

Welcome to The Details of Death.

Grief is hard, making decisions while grieving in uncharted territory can be even harder.

• What kind of casket would you like?

• What day will the service be on?

• Did they have a favorite song for the video?

• Who contacts the military for military honor?

• How do you sum up 95 years of life in 180 words?

• Who picks up their cousin from the airport?

• Did we get a picture with Aunt Kathy in it?

• Where do I put another casserole in this fridge?

The details get more complicated with finances, wills, government, doctors, recurring payments, and taxes.

You may get an inheritance but also have a new part-time job with no training and terrible timing.

The Details of Death might cause you to put off grieving because, by the time the funeral gets here, you might be so tired, and after the funeral, many people feel like they are supposed to be done grieving.

You haven’t sat Shiva (the Jewish practice of simply grieving and being for a week), you’ve been drowning in The Details of Death, and then expected to return to life as normal. (though it’s only normal for everyone else who didn’t have their life shattered.)

Death is hard enough, The Details of Death make it even harder.

If you find yourself in this unfortunate situation, then a few thoughts:

1. You don’t have to reply to every condolence message. As your friend, we’d rather you get to sleep than text us thank you.

2. Don’t just ask for assistance, delegate responsibility. People want to help, so give them a job. Put someone in charge of the video, mow the yard, assign someone to make a first pass at the obituary, and ask your Sunday School class to organize the meal.

3. Many decisions are minor decisions that people won’t remember, so put your most energy into the major decisions that matter the most to you and to others.

4. You can’t please everyone.

5. A good funeral home director and pastor can be your greatest helpers.

6. Find a friend who went through this in the last few years, and ask them to be your guide. Then be a guide for a friend in the future.

7. Give yourself a few days after the funeral to be. The world will move on, but you don’t have to yet.

Love,

Aaron