The Hits Keep Coming
#84
This one knocked James right off his feet and onto the floor. He looked over and saw the small remnants of a spill of coffee grounds and the faint appearance of a spaghetti sauce spill. But he didn't pay attention to those little things when he was overwhelmed with The Big Thing.
It took him a while, but eventually, he stood up and kept walking wondering when the next one would get him.
Only a few had taken him down to the ground like this one. Some just bumped him. He felt others coming, and he could sidestep them, but a couple like this one knocked him to the ground and the wind out of him.
They had lessened somewhat over the past couple of months, but that meant they hit extra hard when they did get him. They would appear out of seemingly nowhere and yet be everywhere. James thought there would be new places he could go so he wouldn't be overwhelmed, but even in new places, they would seem to find him.
James hated when it happened and other people were around. They would surround him, ask him questions, try to make him feel better. He didn't have the courage to tell them that trying to make him feel better actually made him feel worse, made him feel more unstable, made him feel more when he wanted in that moment to feel less. Or did he want to feel it all, so he wouldn't be hit unexpectedly again? He didn't know.
Of course, he didn't know. He stopped knowing anything for sure.
Even though he didn't know, he learned a few things about what to do when the Invisible Wall appeared. He learned to take a deep breath, to let the good memories flow alongside the bad feelings, and to say her name. When he said her name, it let him know that he hadn't forgotten her.
Love, Aaron
Explanation:
I heard a lady with part of her story is that of being a widow talk about “The Glass Wall of Grief.” This part of grief that seemingly comes from nowhere and all of the sudden you run into it and you are stopped in your tracks. That image has stayed with me, and I think it probably does with other people as well.
So this is James’ story. He hits the Invisible Wall, and I hope you get a sense of weariness of wondering of when he is going to run into the wall or a false sense of safety that the wall is gone or that he is safe for a while.
Grief is a strange animal because it does pop up at the strangest time and can be triggered by a host of things. Places, smells, songs, or dates, but also in the weirdest of ways and places you and I wouldn’t expect.
If you are hitting the Invisible Wall, then what do you do? I don’t know. I said “take a deep breath, to let the good memories flow alongside the bad feelings, and to say her name.” Those are suggestions. I don’t think grief should be repressed, so we need to feel it. I also think just honoring what was, saying it aloud, you knowing and remembering, there is power in that.
What do you do when you hit the Invisible Wall of Grief? What has someone done to help you when your grief comes out of nowhere?