Was
Friend,
The most painful change is the shift from “is” to “was.”
You’ve experienced the transition from present tense to past tense.
That was my friend.
I was a baseball player.
He was my husband.
Sometimes these changes are immediate (death) and others are way more subtle and take time (activity or lifestyle changes), and yet they are all carry a sense of pain.
When something “was,” we are holding on to a memory or a memento, and this can be a valuable gift. We need to “re-member,” We need these past experiences to help us to live, learn, and love better. We can hold onto these things, but we can’t let them hold onto us.
I keep thinking about something I read the other day, “The opposite of anger is acceptance,” and I think that is the key to living in a world of was. It’s so easy to be angry about what was.
One way I think about anger is this formula:
(unmet expectations + lack of control) x current emotional state = Anger.
Of course, looking at it that way, it’s easy to let anger rage when you live in a world of was. And that anger is wearing you out.
So what do you do:
Re-imagine your expectations. It’s ok to think, “I will never dunk a basketball again” or “I will never be married to her again.” That’s healthy. That’s acceptance.
Live one day at a time. You do not have control over what was or will be, but you can be present, and that is a gift.
Thank God for what was. Winnie the Pooh once said, “How lucky I am that makes saying goodbye so hard.”
Love,
Aaron