Feeling Furious?
#103
Friend,
Here is advice that I love giving, but hate living:
“If you’re feeling furious, get curious.” Charles Duhigg
In a way, the clever statement is ridiculous. Why should I be curious when someone:
cuts me off in traffic.
says something offensive online.
mistreats a co-worker.
The LAST thing I want to do when I am angry is to lean into it. And our bodies are not naturally conditioned to this. When we are angry, our bodies tell us to fight, flight, or freeze. And yet here is this completely otherworldly advice, get curious.
If you are furious, then a priority has been violated. A lot of these priorities are good. If someone cuts you off, your safety is at risk. But if someone pulls into a parking spot ahead of you, and you get just as angry, we need to ask, “Why am I so angry? What priority or principle is being violated?”
The same thing can happen when we are dealing with the political opinions of others. If I drive by a house with a dozen Trump/Vance signs or a dozen Harris/Walz signs, and I find myself getting furious, let me be curious as to why the strong opinion of a stranger bothers and angers me so much. You may have disgust for the politician, but can we lean into why the stranger's expressions bother us so much?
Often our furiousity1 may be our defensiveness. Especially as it relates to political figures and ideas, when someone says something or points something out that we’ve been afraid to admit or hits a little too close to home instead of leaning into the tension of discontent, we strike out in anger. We become like the proverbial kid who got their hand caught in the cookie jar, and instead of owning the tension (ex. I have problems with that politician’s position or character or I don’t want to acknowledge that difficulty in this room of people.), We react with anger when someone points it out.
So, as we go forward, getting furious and thus hopefully getting curious, over these next couple of months, here are a few words of grace:
Your instant reaction will be anger or fear. The goal isn’t to change or to not feel those emotions. Instead, it’s to choose a response of curiosity after the initial wave of anger or fear
Awareness takes time. You won’t be great at recognizing it immediately. But you need to practice it. Maybe set a phone reminder at the end of the day that reminds you to look back and ask “When did I feel furious? Why did I feel furious?”
Curiosity should turn inward but also turn outward. It’s not enough to examine your own feelings, but we want to turn outward and ask, “Why does this person (especially people I know and respect) have such a different perspective or conclusion than me?” Curiosity puts us in a position of humility and wonder instead of pride and anger.
Love,
Aaron
P.S. Fall has officially begun, and we are entering into the most intense season (it’s hard to believe that after everything that has happened) of our 2024 election.
If you are weary of rhetoric, arguments, lies, and spin, then you are not alone (can I get an Amen?). These next few letters will be written to you in the context of our cultural moment. I want to be clear: I will not be arguing (and hopefully even alluding to) WHO or WHAT to vote for, but instead, I’ll be sharing perspectives on HOW to BE when our soul is weary in times of conflict.
You can read my last one “You Are Not That Powerful” here.
Not a real word, but I think you get it.